the loving energy of touched and made things

they think to hide invisible, unthinkable
but I reach in

i call you out energy hider

you sit like a phone or desk or speaker or monitor
or fridge or chair

but i know you really
i know the energy that made you

the  hand that touched you
that packed you and shipped you

that held you
created you
that thought you
and drew you

that dreamed you
and made you

that sent you out to be you
to make my life easier
simpler
comfy

i know you, hider
i see your beautiful self
and i say i love you
all of you
and every step of your creation
and every hand that guided you to me

i love you

all of you

you beautiful you

knowing that this world is home and is a loving support

knowing that I am loved. I am supported. and this world is loving me and supporting me.

-knowing- this

breathing it in

It always has been and always will be
a loving supportive home

wear it on my skin
in my eyes
will it
expect it

-know- it

and -it- is

over
under
inner
outer

it is all
supporting

a  l   l

loving

The darkness in me. I wrote this today and I know it is meant to be shared. This topic is perfectly fitting how I am feeling now. My nostalgic journey into my past connecting me to my path... please forgive me, please simply allow this to sit a while and heal in the sun...

I am going to share the darkest part of me now. these words that come are needed to surface. I don't know what will happen, if anything? All I know is that I am so scared. I am crying and I am afraid. I don't  want to look closely at that black hole in me. I don't want to see it defined or know it's name. My body knew this was coming. I have 'flu' like symptoms. I am home sick from work. The 999 gate is opening. And my part of this clearing out is to share this darkness.

Sometimes the blackest nightmares are the ones that haunt us. The ones that aren't even ours. This darkness in me is the only memory I have as a child. The only thing that I kept from birth. It has taken every sunshine moment of my childhood and stolen it away. So when I reach for normal memories, this darkness this falseness permeates my soul and leaches what ever goodness I could have attached myself too.

Hysterical with tears I stop a moment and re read this. The writer in me looks closer now. The -I- character that I am is fascinating my muse self. Questions are storming my curiosity and I detach a little emotion from the words. What have I been carrying all these years? What is this nightmare? How harsh have I been to myself? Not once realising the burden on my soul until now...

This darkness is not me. But I have been carrying it all my life. A burden that I thought defined who I was. I was angry. I was broody. moody. judgmental. depressed    insane. That was inside me.

The me that held the darkness like a treasure, the only childhood thing god left me. Angry that I didn't deserve happier thoughts. Scrambling for a chance to redeem myself, so god could let me have happy memories.

I didn't know, until writing this. Through the tears of writing this and the peace that consumes me now... that I choose to hold this darkness.

And god has reached through to me finally and I can let this darkness return to love... I can love this darkness now.

When I was very little I didn't know that the darkness wasn't part of me. Didn't define me. But I didn't like the darkness and how it crept into my body and made me think and feel things I didn't want to think and feel.

I would be holding my sisters or brother as babies. Playing and then their ear would be close to my mouth and nose and I could smell a smell and feel their soft skin just so and their ears would make my mouth water and their blood would call the darkness the nightmare into my mind.

The memories of the bloodmagic. The screams of babies. The metallic taste of blood and an over powering desire and burning flame to eat and suck and kill...

I think I would go white and run away from them. terrified by this nightmare. Disgusted by what it felt like to kill and eat babies.

Ashamed of it. even now. to write it. shocked horrified to even remember the clarity of this childhood me that had no happy memories but a haunting suspicion that she was evil and the evil was going to over power her and do something terrible to her siblings.

That child self learned simply to forget. Forgetting the darkness, meant forgetting everything. Even the reason why she hated and angered.

As I grew older, it was all darkness. Nothing defined. It felt like a missing arm. My missing memories. A gaping nothing that stood out for everyone to see.

I still felt an attraction to children. Babysitting and learning about development. I think I thought that learning all I could about how children normally behave and grow, that I could figure out what went wrong with my own memories and childhood.

Soon I learned to just let the conflict about my missing memories go. Just accept that I had a darkness in the place where normal people had their childhood.

It made me scared that i had something terrible happen to me as a child. And I soon just realised that there was no point in worrying about nothing. Because that's what the darkness was. I let it become nothing. a void.

I began over. I let myself walk a spiritual path. Some instinct in me was still concerned about being too evil to go to church. So I kept to the stuff of 'crystal shops'.

I began to 'hear' 'see' and 'feel' beyond what was apparently 'real'. This only concerned me slightly because on the whole I was becoming less aggravated and conflicted and afraid. I was finding a peace in my heart.

Some memories came back to me. The nightmare was one of the them. I was old enough to realise that it wasn't a 'me' thing. It was something to do with my ancestry, my blood. A cellular memory that haunted my lifetime. I still didn't know what it meant. I still felt ashamed and wanted so much to be better and do better...

The darkness of that memory was my motivation to learn and be a better person.

the fifteen minutes after...

after i breathe deeply into me and receive the air as a gift
after i exhale myself into the world... my gratitude for my gift
after i know my daughters are well... safe in the air that holds them like an angels embrace
after i realise that my identity is a multitude of contemplations... like reflections of our rain washed soul laying lightly on the scapes of cities and forests and deserts and skin... of land that hold us like a memory of heaven... star splattered oceans heaving for more stories...

i will pick the fifteen minutes after every cell in my body lights up with love

once upon a time i hated my birth name so much i thought i would change it to Donna.
only cause my birth name was the kinda name that confuffled people.
they would ask me how to spell it
teachers
they would speak it back to me completely wrong
Denise? Bernadette? Beatrice?

i would get hot under the collar and repeat myself and spell it out
b e r n i c e

it wasn't until just recently that i fell inlove with my birth name
as i read it now, a gentle reminder to
be nice
i know i drop the r, because it's a grumpy letter and is no where to be seen when nice is BEing ;)

as it happens i also found azyh as a name that owns me.
representing my spiritual journey and light energy.

that of coming home to all that i am
giving and receiving
connecting and harmonizing my core self to my core light
welcoming every fragmented part, every shadow and all that i thought i wasn't
allowing what i disregarded to find the place that is my core self.

there was no chance of sleeping in
i woke to a red glow around my window blind
wow
thats beautiful...
thats odd?
i sit up and peep out

my backyard coated in morning red
like a blush in the mist

i breath in
no smoke
it reminds me of the fire storms
and i think it is smoke
but i don't smell smoke

i go to the loo
and my bathroom is awash in the red glow

it feels so surreal
am i dreaming?
is this a movie?

every colour is a shade of red
as if i never noticed before
as if it was always that way

i keep the lights out
felt artificial to see the florescent chase the red away

i open every blind

i wake up my oldest
'you have to see this!'
'hmmmh wot?'

she is up faster then a performance day
when she notices the red glow out her window

we stand out side
back yard
frontyard

the red is every where

then i notice and taste the dust

'its a dust storm'
 
we could tell the sun was rising only by the colour in this dust
the red got lighter and lighter
the colours go brighter and brighter

greens
purples
yellows
reds

colours glowed their morning glow
holding the morning light

walked my youngest to school
the wind sang us a song

heylar marhala heylar marhala heylar marheylar hey lar
heylar marhala heylar marhala heylar marheylar hey lar

wooshi marheyla
wooshi marheyla
wooshi marhey lar hey lar

wooshi marheyla
wooshi marheyla
wooshi marhey lar hey lar

heylar marhala heylar marhala heylar marheylar hey lar
heylar marhala heylar marhala heylar marheylar hey lar

walked to the train station and i saw the sun
it hung in the sky like a globe in a lamp

my oldest called it a 'white eclipes'

the dust would pass over it like a clouded moon night
and sometimes it would disappear

the train was covered in red dust
the cars in the street where covered in red dust

the heart of Australia
our red center
lifted drifted lightly sifted
into our skin and lungs

heart to heart

a peace of desert in every breath

a magic morning
that lasted until lunch

i find the more i feel my self become a unique identity
the more my house feels like a home

as if these environments coincide with some equality

i know after i work my garden i feel so clear and uncluttered

i know every piece of furniture feels as if a new part of me has come into harmony

the harmony within me, is finding its tones around me

and my honesty with myself equalizes this congruency

the more honest i am with myself now, the more of a home i feel i live in

it's like the channels of my mind are all on at once
i have to tune in and tune out for clarity

i once heard the perfect question for this

"how do you receive the rays of the sun?"

how do I receive the energies around me, through me, overwhelming me?

i choose the rays of the sun to be healing, be light, be loving, be a soulful embrace, my sunny free hugs, be the rainbows, be the colours, be the silver lining.. be there behind the clouds and mist ... i receive the rays of the sun with love, a welcome home kiss

this helped me to focus on loving supportive ways to be energetically sensitive

xx azyh 

paying my rent, bills, food

oh lord, if i didn't have to worrie about that!
i would go into my own thing and do a bunch of fun workshops for people

oh yeah.. i see where this is going... its that leap into the faith of it

i need to know it's sorted... i need to know the rent and bills and food is sorted
help me to feel secure in this
and i am yours

promise

xx azyh

what i learned is that a really cool way of saying no IS to simply say YES

i used to say no all the time
my entire life was a big NO

i said no to all the things that where good for me
and i said yes to all the things that where bad me

the bad and good parts are only that because i didn't own myself
at the time of not owning myself it seemed the other way around

when i own myself, i make better choices about saying no by saying yes

i say yes to loving support
(in a roundabouts way this means I am saying no everything that is not a loving support)

so i say no ~ by saying YES to everything loving and everything supportive!

loving and supportive adults that give loving and supportive feedback

every adult is capable of this

and i remind myself that i am too
and i call on this loving supportive self in all of us
for all of us

my youngest is five, and she has been emotionally disturbing the class room, as i was told yesterday. so i sign the form for a counselor to talk to her and help her to deal with her emotions...

i wonder as i listen to my youngest talk about this calmly at home, "who is going to talk to the teachers that get this reaction from her, to deal with 'their emotional issues"?

so i remember something Doris shared with me, and I am now thinking these thoughts in my mind "Her teachers will see her as calm and kind, she is calm and kind"

my thoughts are things ~ and while i can not change others I can change myself and I can think of outcomes that are loving and supportive for all of us. I choose to think of my youngest as calm and kind. I have asked my oldest to help and think of her as calm and kind also. together, we will solve this with our loving supportive thoughts.

children need loving and supportive adults
and if adults are feeling stressed and frazzled and emotionally unstable, the children around them will show them this as a mirror.

to help a child, you help the adult...

it really IS that simple.

there really is no way to turn off my courisity

it's hard wired into the very depths of my soul

if there is something i feel i want to understand there is nothing that will stop me from finding an understanding

how are you today?

is it really small talk? i thought it was polite to step lightly with this before one can plunge deeper into conversation...

how are you today, slips slightly over the shallows, but each word has a hook that dangles deeply should any wish to bite...

sometimes people simply wish for a small splash and run back into the shadows. sometimes people simply wish to show with their words a gentle hug
sometimes people simply need a way fall deeper and bring us with them

what is there to listen to if one does not begin with a question

how are you, is as good as any beginning

i am all for-giving

it has saved my life
it has lifted depression from me
and freed my soul

with gratitude ~ forgiveness has shown me inner peace

forgiving myself has shown me how i can forgive others
giving me a compassion that I didn't think I could ever have

for-giving
is for-living

i choose living and giving
gratefully