Relationships scare me
I don't like looking at myself in ways outside of my control.
When we talk about mirrors here, my understanding is that we are shown what we normally hide from ourselves.

I am learning to allow myself to accept what is hidden in my life.
Learning not to be scared of relationships.

Learning to trust the universe and be open to receive.

Learning that everything is outside my control and just to go with that flow or move out of the way :)

xx azyh

I am going to love

i have been traveling a long time now
thought i would stop a moment and breathe
ya know,
just stop a moment

going to love... it's not like going to gym, or china
it's like breathing
sometimes ya just do it, because you always did it

and other times
ya notice your doing it
and that's what i want

i want to notice i am going to love
like i notice breathing
notice loving

its every where

its so in our faces
we don't see it

love
strengths
kindness

all we need
all i need
is to notice

be
present
and receive the gift

Was two weeks back when I did my 'hobby' workshop for everyone at my work place.

It was like a practice run for a young carer group I will be doing the workshop with at the end of June.

My workplace is a charity supporting informal carers. Many of my fellow work mates are professional counselors. I do the data entry and payments of invoices.

My workshop is called "Conversations Into Healing" and it is a combination of my ongoing 'conversations' with the universe, five minute writing exercises and a guided relaxation / meditation series inspired by my 50,000 word challenge in November last year.

I shared my intimate hobby with these people. And I survived it. We talked about conversations and the words we choose and why the words we choose matter. I told them about Dr Emoto's experiments (showing apparent links to words on water at the microscopic level).

We talked about healing and love. Noticing strengths and limits.

Some people listened, some people joined in with the writing and some people resisted what was being shared.

I learned that it didn't matter what I thought the experience 'should' be for everyone. All that mattered was that I be present in the moment with them.

20 people where there and received what ever it was I had to give them. I showed up, they showed up and I think it was all given and received with love.

I am capable in sharing my workshop with a large group. That was what I got from the 'risk' of it. I was so worried and freaked out about it, allowing anxiety to sneak in. Though I calmed myself and cheered myself through it all.

This is my gift to my community, I can share it, I have shared it and I will continue to grow and share it.

I want to help create the community I want to live in. It starts with me and how I give my strengths to my community.

xx azyh

The Universe :)

how can i limit support and love in my life?
how can i know what i need or where i need it from?

when i did limit the support and love in my life ~ i choose deprivation for myself

I know the Universe loves me
I know the Universe wants me to have more then enough
I know the Universe provides everything I need and more when I allow it

and I am learning to open up and allow the Universe in
I am learning to receive

Its strange how the most change happens in the least amount of time. Total change takes no time at all. Seems true also for the amount of 'change' we give others. Five dollars thirty to be exact and six minutes of my time was all it took to hear god speak to me today.

God for me isn't someone that speaks only at church through priests and the rules and regulations of a religion. God speaks to me all the time, I only had to learn to listen.

I was listening today. I have an agreement and understanding with god, the universe and everything. I want to help create the communities I want to live in. I will own that. I feel I already live the change I want to see in this world. Now I want my communities to be the change I want to see in this world. Part of this means that I will help people when I am asked. Because God only sends the people I can help.

God knows that I haven't always helped all the people that have asked me for help. I know this too. I was wrong to turn them away and this story I hope will help you to understand that saying yes to helping others is saying yes to a community where we are all there with loving support for each other. I want my communities to be a loving support for me. This means I need to give my communities my strengths, so my communities are strong. I need to notice my strengths and share them.

One of the best gifts we can give each other is our story. The story of what makes us who we are. Sharing our stories is a strength we all are capable of noticing. This is the story of how I noticed something hidden in my life. I needed to notice it, so I can own it and allow it to heal. God knew I was ready to understand this hidden part of myself. I asked for healing. So I had my listening ears on, waiting to understand some issues I had been frustrated over.

I was walking to the train station to go to work. I was late. My girls and I slept in again and I had stopped to talk to my neighbour as I dropped my youngest off. Our girls are in the same Kindergarten class. And she offered to help me out with dropping my daughter off to school so I could get to work on time. It had been the best gift I allowed myself to receive this year. Help from my neighbour. It has been very healing to allow myself to be supported by my community in this way.

When I was approached and asked for help on my way to the station, I had all the excuses to keep walking. But I can't do that any more. I promised god. And I am learning that I can trust that I am only asked for what I have to give.

A tall man, looking extremely desperate for help begged me for $8 to pay for a script. I felt intimidated and the urge to keep going pulled at me with equal strength to my genuine need to create the communities I want to live in. I stopped and listened. I didn't have the money in my purse as I only carried the train fare to work. The chemist was just there and it was open. I could use eftpos, so I waited for him to get his script.

He had a diarrhoea problem. I just couldn't imagine being in his situation, it must have been terribly desperate.

While I waited I needed to allow myself to say a few things to this man. I needed him to understand how intimidating and awkward it felt to be stopped like that. I needed him to be responsible for the situation he put himself in to have to be that desperate in the first place.

So I said a few things along the lines of please love yourself enough to pay for your own scripts. Get your finances in order, you can work it out. Stop spending your money on things that don't matter. Get help and work your self out. I am a single mother of two doing the best I can and its not fair to be expected to pick up after everyone that stops me in the street.

The chemist knew the man. And I paid for the script. He was grateful and thankful and I asked him about his friends and family? Thinking maybe he can open up to finding help in other ways. This was when he told me that he has seven children he doesn't see. This was what got my ears open. Absent fathers is the biggest issue in my life. 

God was giving me an opportunity to face this issue of shitty fathers, literally, and speak my mind. This is what I said, “I grew up not knowing my biological father and it's a shit life. My ex husband will not see my three year old and that is shit. Get your self together, be the best person you can be and allow your children to know who you are.”

Then I went to the train station and cried. I realised that it still really hurts me to not know who my biological father is. The other thing that was new for me was to notice that it hurts me more to see my youngest daughter growing up not knowing her father. She is five at the moment, but she was three when he stopped seeing her on a regular basis. He has only seen her about 4 times the last year and a half.

My youngest and I have had some issues lately and I asked god to help me understand what is going on. So now I understand that I was just frustrated and angry and hurt to watch her cry and be frustrated and angry and hurt missing her dad.

Witnessing my youngest have no connection to her father is my greatest suffering. I am allowing myself to own that today. I know that when we notice something hidden we allow it to heal. So I am allowing this to heal now. All it cost me to learn about this hidden part of me that was so festering in anger and so needed my attention and understanding was $5.30 and 6 minutes.

all that negative stuff that screams "NOT SPIRITUAL"

well that 's what I used to do. but who am I to know what is and is not spiritual? And negative isn't anything really then a change of polarity.

I ask myself "where is the love in this" "how am I being loving to myself here"

because 'showing' our emotional process is being loving to ourselves.

and negative stuff happens, it is equally loving and supportive as any other emotion.

the key is to really listen to what it is saying to us.

its coming out negative because it was ignored in the first place. when we really listen to ourselves and understand ourselves we know not to ignore anything.

anger, is showing us that we are feeling isolated and removed. Disconnected, unsupported.

jealousy, is showing us that we want to do that too but are too afraid.

negative is always around fear. acknowledging fears and owning them, wearing them and allowing them to dissolve is the best way to engage them into a loving supportive outcome.

my first reaction is always to deny and reject negative emotions... my second and third reactions are to find the seed of love and to allow that seed to open into a healing creation.