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discovery
October 2009 
What's the greatest thing you learned this past week?
Posted on Oct 2nd, 2009
by 
Azyh
Azyh
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for October 02, 2009:
I learned that it's ok to own the parts of me that learned from my step father. I offhandedly told the story of how my step father would investigate anything that was broken to fix it. "If its broken take it apart and fiddle around until ya fix it, if ya can't put it back together then it really was broken and all ya did was learn something new."
I had blacked out so much about my step father that in disregarding all the horror, I forgot the interesting and wonderful parts too. And it's ok that he was interesting and wonderful. I learned that this week. It's ok that i recall this and allow this and own this.
It was a shock at the time, and as I recall it all now, i realize that more and more I will have moments when I let memories serve me in loving and supportive ways.
xx azyh
I had blacked out so much about my step father that in disregarding all the horror, I forgot the interesting and wonderful parts too. And it's ok that he was interesting and wonderful. I learned that this week. It's ok that i recall this and allow this and own this.
It was a shock at the time, and as I recall it all now, i realize that more and more I will have moments when I let memories serve me in loving and supportive ways.
xx azyh
Access: Public
That is a big thing to have learned. I have learned it too in the last couple of years, regarding my father. So much good there really…
And maybe that tossing the beautiful out with the ugly is a natural part of the process. And in the healing (for me what seems like a lifetime later), when we begin to appreciate again (or perhaps for the first time) the good things, we see that he was a human being first and foremost—an angel with skin on (I love that expression, forget where I heard it). And the horror rolls away and something happens, a clarity, a something, that jets you past that place where you thought there were things that people had done that could never be forgiven. Speaking for me, of course.
Thank you.
love the way you share this Ruth, it sits new with me still and feels raw. all the same it feels good too. It feels good to let out my love for him, the things that i loved about him. I can share this with my girls and my sisters and brother.
i can own it and allow it to be a me thing. part of my 'who' i am. an identity thing.
i wonder if it is possible to keep the beauty? keep it conscious and alive, without blacking it out with the trauma?
or is it simply a sign that the traumas have lifted when the beauty returns? like a season changed…
another thought just came when I realized that he wasn't really the one that traumatized me. I had been traumatizing myself. has my mind finally learned to re look with new eyes at the person I am?
How lovely!
A reasonable definition of understanding is that of stepping outside of something far enough to see it accurately. This could be a house or a highly emotional situation. The point is understanding, because we create what we see, consciously or unconsciously. (What we “see” is accepted as what we “know”.) Most of us, most of the time, would like to create beauty and acceptance, as you have so fabulously.
Our beauty is what we make ourselves, my opinon. From this perspective you are very beautiful.
Azyh: another thought just came when I realized that he wasn't really the one that traumatized me. I had been traumatizing myself.
That is such an important insight, such an important aspect of healing. To take ownership of the effect on us of someone else's behaviour is to step out of the victim's role. That step is where true healing begins; in a way, it is the healing, and the *forgiveness* too. (Although I have to ask myself: if I'm not a victim, what is there to forgive?)
It's about choice, isn't it? We are after all the creators.
Thank you for sharing this, too often we hold onto the pain that others have caused us and it forms a barrier to healing. What you are doing is realising that we are all human. Forgiveness and appreciation opens the path to your spiritual growth. You are blessed to have learned this.
Has I have come to see myself Dear Azyh, The devil in it's many forms always has what remains of wings, that with love as from above may just grow to fly to heaven again.
You are most brave my friend, most brave to reach with such love.
Thanks
J.M.
Azyh, that is so very beautiful. I bow in admiration to your strength, courage and purity of spirit. with love
Kevino, Ruth, Gil, Just Me & Nicole ~ thank you all for joining me in this understanding.
i am still feeling raw around the edges about this. there has been some re-connections happening with my memories. i have a new balance and a new perception… and the past is looking like a new landscape that I never let myself love before.
learning to love my past… letting it go was not loving it… now it sits quiet, happy to reveal its blackness in the light when i look with loving eyes.
i fell uncertain and unease with it. at the same time i am poised like an explorer, checking that i have all the equipment, because this feels like a long journey away from home.
“because this feels like a long journey away from home.” Home is where your heart is, as the old saying goes. I seems to me that you are on a powerful journey into your heart. Confronting old issues and opening up to healing.
raw around the edges - yes, that is entirely understandable. The reconnections bringing balance and new perception, learning to love, very good. the unfamiliarity will naturally bring a sense of unease. And it is a good idea to make sure you have all your equipment, no good voyager leaves home without it.
So, what do you need with you on this exploration to feel safe?